


Better Than Mistletoe

by extremelyperturbed



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Dark Comedy, Gross, M/M, Out of Character, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-05
Updated: 2014-12-07
Packaged: 2018-02-28 05:59:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2721344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/extremelyperturbed/pseuds/extremelyperturbed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>done in response to this kinkmeme:</p><p>Matthew hears what Hannibal did to Will from his cell. He FLIES INTO A RAGE, breaks the fuck out of prison (checks on Will very gently in the hospital), and hunts Hannibal Lecter the fuck down. He does NOT get interrupted this time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Fuck Hannibal Lecter! Fuck him right in the ass! Matthew Brown thought as he drove away from prison in the get away car he had hot wired. He had heard what he had done to one Will Graham and there was no way in fucking hell he was going to sit in his cell while one Hannibal Lecter was getting away with gutting his darling sweetheart then running off to bang some hot blond in Europe.

Stupid FBI agents! Dipshits! Dungbrained imbeciles! He thought as he ditched the car deep in the woods and hiked a few miles to a cabin he knew was empty. 

As he ate cold ravioli from a can the previous vacationer had left behind, he had to confess he only had himself to blame. He had not taken the time to reread the list that all evil overlords should read and had talked way too much like a Bond villain only to be interrupted before he could kill Hannibal, thus not only disappointing his honey baby and losing his claim over him but letting Hannibal spring Will free instead of him. He deeply regretted his indulgent behavior from the bottom of his heart since it had cost him everything including his freedom. 

He also found a razor and some left over soap and shaved his head. It wasn’t the greatest disguise but not the worst. Even so, he didn’t dare visit Will directly as they were likely to try to arrest him the second he went to his hospital room. The most he could dare is ask a nurse friend regarding his condition, using a disposable cell phone. He tried to think really hard about what he could do to make it up to Will. The first step was to kill Hannibal. He knew that Hannibal had made a ton of enemies, many of them rich and powerful. Surely, they’d like to see his bitch ass dead too.

***  
He was actually really surprised by how many people wanted to take him up on his offer. Mrs. Komeda and her zillion friends were totally willing to fund a hit on Hannibal. He had briefly considered accepting help from Mason Verger but damn it, he had standards!

He managed to sneak into Europe by pretending to be Mrs. Komeda's nurse, which was easy considering his medical background, and flying on her private jet. Once in France, he pondered whether or not he should send Will a postcard or not but then decided not to. No, the next time he talked to Will, he was going to have the head of one Hannibal Lecter on a platter. 

Once there, he used social media and Freddie’s forum at her site to find clues to Hannibal’s current whereabouts. He also had some online ornithologist friends who were also extremely wealthy and traveled extensively and were likely to notice a cultured and wealthy newcomer with a taste for offal accompanied by a very striking lady friend.

Strangely enough, Mrs. Komeda had turned out to be a fun travel partner. Not only did she pay for everything, she also had quite a few friends in Europe who had become fascinated by the case of the man muncher. Also, she was terribly energized and excited by their hunt. “I feel like Miss Marple or Hercule Poirot,” she said as she drove through the French countryside.

“You’re an Agatha Christie fan?” said Matthew.

“Oh, yes, though I doubt that they’d approve of what we’re doing.”

“Not all of it perhaps but you should remember ‘Murder on the Orient Express.’” Matthew was referring to a case where Poirot had let the perpetrators go.

“Now I remember.”

“I forgot to ask . . . Where is your husband?”

“He’s currently recovering from the shock of it all. I hope that knowing he‘s not out there will serve to help. And you? You did say a loved one had suffered at his hands.”

“It’s true.” While Will had not died, he had indeed suffered.

He was not disappointed when he received some private texts with pictures of the perfidious cannibal running around with his hussy. Pondering strategy, he decided that a straight on assault would get him killed. Anything that was likely to succeed would have to be done as a surprise attack, done at a distance and not delayed due to poorly timed gloating.


	2. Chapter 2

“I hope you like smoked salmon sandwiches as well as egg salad sandwiches for tea,” said Mrs. Komeda sitting at her dining table in her vacation cottage as her butler brought in the trays with sandwiches, miniature scones, and other treats before leaving them alone to talk. Even though it was an English custom, she had no problem having tea in France.

“I love them both,” said Matthew, sitting across from her. 

“When we find him,” said Mrs. Komeda, “We should bring him in chains back to Baltimore.”

“No.” Matthew shook his head.

“No?”

“Do you know why Hannibal is alive? It’s because I wasted a few minutes expounding on my superiority and then I was shot by a FBI agent who had no idea who he was saving. No, you need to kill him the second you see him, even double tap the guy to make sure. You will be filled with nothing but regret if you do it any differently.” Matthew took the small square salmon sandwich and popped it into his mouth mournfully.

“We do have to bring back his body even if it’s just to reassure everybody that he’s quite dead.”

“Of course, I am fine with that.” Fortunately, he had once worked in a funeral home and for a taxidermist so he knew a few tricks when it came to preserving bodies in the name of presentation before a mass audience.

“What shall we do with Bedelia Du Maurier? Even though she is traveling with him, there seems to be a certain amount of compulsion to it.”

Matthew thought for a few minutes. “I would prefer that she not be there when he is expunged from existence. From what people have told me, she will not be interested in finding out who killed him or taking revenge.”

“I believe the tea has steeped enough.” Mrs. Komeda poured him a cup.

Matthew added a few drops of milk and two spoonfuls of sugar. 

***

“He’s biking around the countryside. I heard he especially favors this particular road because it's often empty,” said Matthew as he drove the van. “He often goes around without a helmet so there will be little chance of us killing the wrong person.”

“No, that would be horrid. I could not bear to kill some innocent in pursuing him.” Mrs. Komeda dabbed at her eyes with a handkerchief.

Matthew decided not to mention that he would not particularly mind if a dozen innocent people died in such a pursuit but did acknowledge to himself that he would hate losing Mrs. Komeda’s funding and friendship and wasting a bullet on anybody other than Hannibal right now would be a sin. “It would be simple to do. I will bump into him, causing him to stop. The second he does so, I will pump some lead into him and throw his body into the back of the van.” Matthew felt a little sad that his murder of Hannibal Lecter would be lacking in any grandeur. But on the other hand, he had given him a chance at being part of a grand design. All Hannibal deserved now was to be treated like road kill. 

It was than that the subject of their conversation drove right by them. Matthew stomped on the gas pedal and hit the man's bike hard, causing him to swerve off the road and land in the tall grass. Matthew stopped and ran out of the van to give him little time to recover his wits and get into a fighting position. This time, instead of a tranquilizer dart, Matthew actually pumped five bullets into his body. “Stay dead! Stay dead, motherfucker!” screamed Matthew as he stood over Hannibal’s now very dead corpse. “Are you OK, Mrs. Komeda?” he said when he noticed Mrs. Komeda standing outside the van, shaking.

“Shhh, I’m orgasming . . .”

***  
“Will Graham is your boyfriend?” said Mrs. Komeda as she had her driver drive her and Matthew to Will’s house in Wolf Trap.

“We were getting there,” said Matthew. “Then I failed him utterly . . . In any case, I need him to be invited to your party to help make things up to him.”

“I understand,” said Mrs. Komeda. “But according to Freddie Lounds, Will and Hannibal were . . .”

“Those are the most foulest, vilest, filthiest lies from the most perfidious bitch that ever existed. Will keeps her from getting eaten by the man and that’s how she paid him back!” In truth, he did suspect that Hannibal had an intense interest in Will that rivaled his own but knew with absolute certainty that Will did not return those feelings. Lies, he thought, Lies! “He might not be friendly because he may think I abandoned him because he has no idea I was out avenging him. I need you to back me up.”

Mrs. Komeda nodded. “The bouquet of roses is a very nice touch.”

The light was on so Mrs. Komeda knocked on the door. Will opened it then looked at the man standing behind her. “Oh, my God, I’m hallucinating again!” he shrieked.

Mrs. Komeda grabbed both his hands. “No, my dear boy, your boyfriend has come back to see you!”

“Hannibal is dead,” said Matthew. “I killed him because he hurt you.”

Will froze. “What did you say?”

“The man who hurt you is dead. I even have his corpse in the trunk.”

“You’re not saying this to screw with me, are you?” said Will.

“Check for yourself.”

With a flourish, Mrs. Komeda popped the trunk to reveal a naked and bloated Hannibal Lecter.

“What . . .” said Will.

“I turned him into a pinata,” said Matthew. “I stuffed him full of candy then sewed him up again so everybody can beat on him with a stick until he finally bursts. I’ve lined his insides with plastic so the candy is safe to eat. While you’re not the first in line, I did get Mrs. Komeda to agree to you being third. Isn’t that awesome?”

Will took a long look at what was left of his former nemesis before feeling for a pulse. “He’s really dead.”

“Um, aren’t you happy about it?” said Matthew.

Will started to weep. “This is the most romantic thing anybody has ever done for me.”

Mrs. Komeda was relieved. “We’re having a huge party to celebrate and you’re invited.”

“I’m not good at parties.”

“Will, it’s free booze and you get to beat his corpse with a bat. Come on,” pleaded Matthew. “We’ve even got you a tux.”

***  
It was the twelfth person in line who finally struck pinata Hannibal’s ass hard enough for it to finally burst and explode, disgorging candy which the party goers went scrambling after, right after they cheered and whistled their approval.

Meanwhile, Will and Michael were drinking champagne from fluted glasses while watching from the balcony. “I never thought I’d enjoy a party,” said Will. 

“I hope that part of the reason is the company,” said Matthew, waggling his eyebrows. While Mrs. Komeda had been fun, it was Will that made his heart and other parts of him soar. He hoped to eventually point out that he was now set for life financially, had killed Will's worst enemy ever, and was willing to kill one Freddie Lounds on request. Tonight was a bit too soon, however.

“Could be,” said Will coquettishly. 

Oh, I might finally get some tonight! Matthew thought excitedly.

And he did.

The End

**Author's Note:**

> Whether or not you ship it, Matthew on the show really seems to have the biggest boner for Will and doesn't even seem to mind finding out that Will isn't the Ripper. Also I couldn't help thinking that Matthew made the huge mistake all evildoers make about going on and on about how great he is and getting overly Rube Goldberg about killing their enemy/rival. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rube_Goldberg_machine


End file.
